Many Thanks to All.
My friend sent me a Dot.Com to look at, it interested me!
It's the www.kickbully below here.
I thought...........!
Is this what happens to you, well me, when one minute your alert and then.....BANG !
Down & Out!
You've lost your life and people never see you the way you were before.
They can only see you in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of here, there and everywhere!
Even now it's a Big Stigma from others, even my family.
I shall not allow this to hurt me anymore, I'm fed up crying!
When this money issue appeared, I've been very angry, I told my dad that I recieved a message to say that Steve Jones will be in touch with me after the 4th of November! Hmmm! I thought!
I called my dad about the news and that it may possibly be the money!
He told me that he felt that he did the right thing and gave money to us all so that there was no arguements.
He also gave Joyce's family money and then he also gave money to Christine and Alan.
This is when I had a fracas with myself after this information during the call.
I had a brawl with myself, I lost my own argument?
Do people become greedy.....or bullies !
I had a noisy quarrel with myself at that moment......HOW?.......WHY?........How can this happen within a family, what is the good quality reason for this to happen to me?
If it's not one thing, it's another?
WHY!
Even when sending the letter, there was no mention of how much money!
Would I have noticed about the money thing unless I wasn't as Nosey?
How many days has this been on the go for?
The present drama issue started on Sunday15th September and it's now the 2nd of November 2013, I still can't think that the best excuse for me not to have the money is that I'm not sensible enough to have it???
My main concern now........
If peole are learning to be a Rehabilitation Supporter/Carer; lets hope that the way I have been treated in the last year should be looked at and not treat others the way I have been,
What happened to Our Choices !
http://www.kickbully.com/hidden.html
kickbully - where your fight begins
kickbully.com
Workplace Bully Behaviors:
Hidden Traits
To enjoy a long and successful career, a
skilled bully must disguise his true character. To accomplish this, his
behaviors must conceal his bullying nature while unfairly exploiting
others.
These subtle but powerful tactics are at the heart of his arsenal.
They are dangerous because they tend to remain unrecognized. And even if
you perceive the subtle pattern of bullying behavior, others probably
won’t.Mental patients in charge
You may conclude that the patients are running
the mental hospital. Overwhelming evidence, based on a pattern of
bullying revealed by these hidden traits, points to a bully engaged in
treacherous behaviors. Yet the executives fuel his growing power, which
will ultimately become a threat to their success. In the meantime, you
are facing harsh bullying on a daily basis. No sensible person seems to
be in charge at your company.
What can you do about it? If you say anything to your co-workers,
they’ll look at you like you’re confused, delusional or even paranoid.
If you report your suspicions to upper management, they’ll conclude that
you’re using underhanded tactics against the bully (the absurdity of
this will be lost on those oblivious to the bullying). And if you
confront the bully directly, you may be fired.Hidden bullying traits
There is rarely an easy solution when you’re
dealing with a well-established, highly skilled bully, but the initial
steps are always the same: study his behaviors and learn to understand
him. Only by recognizing his hidden traits will you have any hope of
effectively fighting back.
Or maybe you will conclude it is time to check yourself out of the mental hospital before the patients drive you crazy.
Hidden traits:
- Charming
- Obsessed with image
- Distorts truth and reality
- Evasive
- Plays the victim
- Self-righteous
- Pompous
- Hypocritical
- Two-faced
- Rumor-monger
- Passive-aggressive
- Pretends to care
1. Charming
A skilled bully charms others to gain their
trust. He exudes warmth and friendship as he smiles and tells jokes and
stories, or flatters those around him. He makes you feel important by
offering attention and approval.
His charismatic personality provides an excellent disguise, resulting
in most people readily accepting the fiction of his good intentions
rather than the reality of his self-serving nature. Because of the power
of this disguise, charisma in a covert bully often leads to outstanding
success, as can be observed with numerous public figures.2. Obsessed with image
A skilled bully is obsessed with how things
appear to others, even to the point of believing that outward image is
more important than underlying reality. He knows that to prevent others
from discovering the disturbing truth about his character, he must use
words to create an image of integrity, teamwork and leadership.
His obsession causes him to overreact to actions or comments that he
believes are a threat to his carefully crafted image. For example, he
misinterprets a respectful and well-intentioned suggestion about his
department as an accusation of managerial incompetence, causing him to
erupt in anger.When you work for an image-obsessed bully, he worries about how your actions might impact his image in the company. This may lead him to make the absurd charge that your behavior, though well within the norms of your workplace culture, somehow tarnished his reputation. Being obsessed with image thus provides a bully with another opportunity to criticize you in order to control you.
3. Distorts truth and reality
A workplace bully never lets the truth stand
in his way, but instead creates his own reality, with him as the hero
and others as the villains. In this parallel universe, his distortions
and deceptions lead to false conclusions, which in turn become
recognized as common knowledge. He boldly repeats these fraudulent
“facts,” acting astonished that anyone continues to deny their truth.
But the only real truth is that he is intentionally misleading others.
Suppresses the truth
A bully misleads people by omitting
significant information that would explain the situation and reveal the
underlying reality. When you counter with a fact-based explanation, he
misstates and belittles your viewpoint.
Presents hearsay as fact
Because facts aren’t on his side, he quotes
hearsay as important and authoritative. He misquotes others, or
misrepresents their meaning, then claims they support his ideas. Or he
manipulates a co-worker into making a critical remark about his
opponent, then quotes that remark as “evidence.”
Distorts facts and their meaning
A bully accurately describes the details of an
event, but then distorts the interpretation. Perhaps he slips in an
inaccurate detail, or innuendo about your motives, that changes
everyone’s perception of the event. Or he depicts a conversation with
you differently than it occurred, causing others to believe you are
confused or self-serving.
A bully’s goal is to create a new reality that puts a positive spin
on his behavior and intentions, while implying the worst about the
behaviors and intentions of his opponents. This makes him appear
reasonable and constructive, while his opponents appear unreasonable and
destructive.4. Evasive
A workplace bully can be very slippery when he needs to avoid the truth at all costs.
Avoids the truth about his behavior
An evasive bully never gives a straight answer
about his bullying behavior. He denies his self-serving intentions and
acts confused by complaints about his mistreatment of others.
When complaints about his behavior persist, he questions the motives
of the complainer. If asked to explain the rationale for his behavior,
he angrily refuses, perhaps becoming belligerent. Or he flatly denies
the specific charges of bullying, rejecting any facts as fabricated by a
vengeful, biased complainer (that is, the target of his bullying). Alternatively, he justifies his bullying behavior as needed to achieve positive goals, or mischaracterizes his aggressive behavior traits as valid leadership qualities.
Never honest and constructive
An evasive bully is never straightforward,
never tells you his hidden agenda and never reveals his innermost
desires. He would never consider making an effort to fix a relationship
by changing his behavior. If there is an obvious conflict with you, he
prevents it from being surfaced and resolved openly, preferring to
undermine you behind your back.
Attacks you when you confront him
When you tell a bully face-to-face that his
behavior is inappropriate, he tends to minimize your complaints by
saying the only problem is with your lack of understanding. In other
words, you just don’t comprehend the situation. He may use a more
condescending approach by accusing you of being overly sensitive, or by
declaring: “You don’t get it, do you?”
Alternatively, he sidesteps your on-target criticism by acting hurt.
For example, if you confront a rumor-mongering bully, he tries to make
you feel guilty by saying: “I can’t tell you how much it upsets me that
you would actually think I spread that nasty rumor about you.”Shifts the focus to others
An evasive bully asserts that the problem is
with others, not himself. By criticizing you, he avoids discussing his
own behaviors. Or he accuses you of behaviors far worse than his, saying
that you triggered his bad behavior because you created a situation in
which he had no choice but to behave the way he did. He may even claim
he is the one who is being victimized (another hidden behavior trait).
5. Plays the victim
A bully acts like a victim in order to
manipulate others into submitting to his desires. This can be a very
effective technique in a company that emphasizes trust, respect,
teamwork and fair treatment of others. in effect, he is abusing the
virtue of his fellow workers, much like a con man steals from good
Samaritans.
When a bully is playing the victim, you may hear statements like these:
“You betrayed my trust in you.”
“You deserted me in my hour of need.”
“You hurt me when you did that.”
“You hurt my feelings when you said that.”
“Go ahead and enjoy yourself. I’ll be okay. I don’t mind.”
“I work really hard for the company. How can you be so selfish?”
“How could you do this to me?”
“I thought I could count on you.”
“I thought we had an understanding.”
“I thought we were friends.”
“You caused my pain, and now you’re making it worse.”
“Why are you ruining it for me?”
“Don’t you want to help me succeed instead of standing in my way?”
Here are a few ways a workplace bully plays a victim:Exaggerates the impact of your actions on him
He claims your actions caused him significant
pain and suffering, and that you don’t care what happens to him. His
intention is to make you feel guilty. His hidden message: “Save me from
my pain by doing what I want.”
Focuses on past and future victimization
He repeatedly mentions your past actions that
hurt him, particularly when he wants to manipulate you into going along
with his plans. He never seems to get over things; even long after the
event occurred, he reminds you of the pain you caused him. And he makes
it clear that if you don’t do what he wants, you will once again hurt
him.
Uses his victimization to avoid changing his behavior
Rather than change his own behaviors, he
continues in the role of victim until you accommodate his demands. If
you complain about his manipulation, he acts saddened and shocked by
your criticism, saying you now have to earn back his trust (which also
implies earning back his friendship and support).
In the role of victim, he makes it clear that he is always the one
sacrificing for the greater good, and that others have exploited his
good intentions. He says he is tired of doing all the compromising. When
you try to reason with him, he becomes angry and indignant, perhaps
even announcing that he isn’t going to be so polite in the future. If
anyone suggests his behavior is over the top, he becomes outwardly
belligerent, claiming that no one appreciates the important things he
does for the company, the sacrifices he makes and the pain he suffers.
If more than one person points out the absurdity of his claims, he
becomes furious as he declares that everyone is ganging up on him.6. Self-righteous
In order to conceal his corrupt character and
ruthless ambitions, a workplace bully claims the moral and ethical high
ground. alternatively, a delusional bully may actually be convinced he
possesses superior virtue, and that his noble objectives fully justify
deceiving and mistreating others. Either way, his self-righteous manner
is a constant force, often leading to bullying behaviors.
He is good, others are bad
A self-righteous bully implies he is a good
person, but others are ill-intentioned and devious. He tells stories
that demonstrate his own goodness and highlight the questionable motives
of others.
Superior character
A self-righteous bully describes himself as
exhibiting the best moral, ethical and intellectual qualities, implying
that others don’t share his high standards. He uses distorted examples
or makes off-hand remarks in order to suggest that others have shaky
ethics or morals.
Superior motives
He characterizes his intentions as highly
unselfish, while suggesting that others are seeking their own selfish
ends. He suggests that unlike others in the company, he has the
employees’ best interests in mind.
When speaking at a meeting, he appeals to nobler motives, which of
course coincide with his own objectives. In order to show he is more
devoted to the company than anyone else, he quotes the company’s vision
and values.He uses highly aggressive phrases to intimidate you with his superior motives, such as:
“Stop being so selfish.”
“Why are you being so selfish?”
“Why are you being so mean-spirited?”
“Why are you being so stubborn?”
“You’re only thinking about yourself.”
“You need to put the company first instead of always thinking about yourself.”
If he says “You know I would do the same for you,” it is probably an
attempt to manipulate you through guilt rather than to offer a fair
exchange of cooperation.Superior commitment
A self-righteous bully tells stories that
demonstrate his extreme commitment to the company. He describes his long
hours and personal sacrifices, then suggests others lack commitment. He
readily embraces the role of martyr for the company, never
acknowledging that his bullying tactics created inefficiencies that
necessitated his excessive hours.
Superior performance
He brags about his consistently superior
performance. When he is forced to admit a mistake, he makes a big deal
about it, both to highlight the fact that his mistakes are very rare and
to demonstrate his supposed humility. If a self-righteous bully is
sufficiently delusional, he may even take pride in his humble nature.
7. Pompous
A pompous bully pretends to be a strong
leader, when in fact he is a smug, self-satisfied, self-important,
pretentious, bombastic, ego-absorbed, ego-indulgent braggart. These
elements of his personality are a major cause of his manipulative and
overbearing approach to dealing with others.
Inflates himself
He constantly exaggerates his own importance.
He attempts to look as powerful as possible by telling stories that
highlight his cleverness and accomplishments. He acts like a know-it-all
by claiming superior knowledge and experience on most topics. Of
course, he never admits mistakes and never apologizes, unless to prove
how rarely he makes a mistake.
Demeans others
He doesn’t treat you as an equal, but instead
acts as if you are unimportant and powerless. He is condescending in
words, tone of voice and mannerisms. He seems to enjoy feeling superior
to you.
Prima donna
A successful bully may develop a conceited
view of his role in a company, at times acting vain, moody and
unpredictable. He can be very dramatic about things that affect him.
For example, he acts as if his department is the most important,
demanding that the company treat his projects as a priority. He demands
an important title or a better office, regardless of whether it is fair
to others. When asked to contribute to a team effort, he refuses to
follow the leadership of others, most likely because he considers them
inferior in wisdom, judgment, intellect and experience. And far less
important than him.Meeting hog
A pompous bully often exploits meetings to
pump up his ego. When he is speaking, a major objective is to
demonstrate his superior intellect. Using high-sounding phrases,
industry lingo or obscure technical references, he lectures others on
the best way to accomplish things. He speaks extensively about his
successes, even when others were primarily responsible. Grandstanding is
second nature to him.
When he is talking, he demands the full attention of everyone in the
room, perhaps using an overly dignified tone of voice to command
respect. But when you are talking, he is intentionally rude in order to
show your unimportance. For example, he fiddles with his cell phone,
holds side conversations with the person next to him, or reviews
documents and make notes about something unrelated to the meeting.He may also attempt to control the meeting agenda, even to the point of wasting everyone’s time on items of exclusive interest to him. In his vanity, he believes his obviously superior ideas and opinions justify his domination of every meeting he attends.
8. Hypocritical
A skilled bully finds it expedient to openly
claim beliefs, feelings and virtues that he doesn’t actually possess.
Then regardless of his true attitudes, ethics, morality and intentions,
he can influence others without arousing their suspicion.
A hypocrite despises those whom he deceives, but has no respect for himself. He would make a dupe of himself too, if he could.
- William Hazlitt
- William Hazlitt
For example, he preaches mutual trust, but betrays your trust in him. He preaches teamwork at the same time he undermines you. He conceals his activities, but attacks you for not publicizing yours. He glosses over his mistakes as insignificant and not worth discussing, but exaggerates your mistakes, bringing them up again and again. He is a loose cannon, but complains when you show independence and initiative.
If you work with a hypocritical bully long enough, you will discover that there are no limits to the ways in which he can reveal the contradiction between what he says and what he does.
9. Two-faced
There’s nothing quite like that moment when a
charismatic bully first shows you his true colors. From that moment on,
everything he says and does seems like a fraud. You begin to wonder how
you ever believed his deceptions. But then, looking around, you realize
that everyone else continues to be taken in by his act, as if they are
hypnotized by the sound of his voice.
Welcome to the strange and dangerous world of a two-faced bully.Deceitful behaviors
A two-faced bully outwardly pretends to
support you while secretly undermining you. His warm personality or
soft-spoken manner hides his destructive intentions, including a
take-no-prisoners attitude should you oppose him. After lulling you into
complacency, he verbally stabs you in the back, usually when you least
expect it.
Public vs. private words
A two-faced bully is positive and supportive
in public, but negative and overly critical in private. Others sing
praises of his virtue, vision, good humor and leadership, while you are
suffering from his frequent attempts to intimidate and belittle you.
Don’t be too surprised if you’re the only one who
recognizes the two-faced character of a workplace bully. He has spent
years perfecting his technique.
10. Rumor-monger
Let’s say you are standing your ground against
a particularly nasty bully and he decides to bring out the big guns.
Before you know it, you overhear co-workers belittling you in a private
conversation. What happened?
There is a good chance you have been the target of rumor-mongering.
Although a bully commonly undermines you behind your back to reduce your
power, he spreads damaging rumors when he wants to weaken you
permanently. These range from inaccurate criticisms of your character to
malicious accusations of wrong-doing.Attacks your character
By frequently repeating unwarranted negative
comments about you, he tries to set perceptions before you can explain
your actions. Over time, his persistent attacks can undermine your
reputation and convince others that you are bad for the company.
To accomplish this, he unfairly criticizes you behind your back by
giving an inaccurate account of a recent event. He attacks the quality
of your work, without any factual basis, by giving noteworthy or
humorous examples of your mistakes. He implies you have bad intentions
by misquoting you, or tells stories that wrongly characterize you as
lazy, incompetent, dishonest, destructive or misguided. He may even
suggest you have personal or emotional problems.Uses distortions and lies as he spreads rumors about you
A rumor-monger treats half-truths and hearsay
as damning evidence. He distorts the meaning of comments made by others,
thus converting innocent observations into harsh criticisms. He repeats
statements from obviously biased sources, prefacing the rumor with
praise of the source’s character. If necessary, he even makes up lies
about you.
Spreads malicious rumors about you
At his most diabolical, a bully suggests you
are immoral, depressed or even suicidal. He misrepresents or exaggerates
actual events in a manner that implies the worst about your behavior.
Through his distortions, he leads others to very harsh conclusions,
effectively destroying your reputation.
It’s hard to believe someone would stoop so low, but like most of the
bullying traits described on this website, I witnessed this first-hand:
the bully distorted the meaning of recent events to support his
conclusion that another executive was suicidal, helping justify the
bully’s power grab.11. Passive-aggressive
A workplace bully may be aggressive towards you by things he doesn’t
do. By not doing something that would normally occur, he can insult you
and weaken you, with a potentially serious impact on your ability to
move forward with your career.
Uses the silent treatment
When a passive-aggressive bully can’t get his
way, he sulks instead of confronting issues honestly and fairly. He
closes his office door more often than usual, he doesn’t return phone
calls and he avoids talking with you. At meetings, he is unusually
quiet, but his disappointment is obvious from his silence. His intention
is to make others feel guilty and to interfere with company operations,
ultimately causing others to submit to his demands.
Excludes you from social interaction within the company
When he is unhappy with your behavior, he
intentionally excludes you from social gatherings or recreational events
that he has arranged, either after work or on weekends. During company
functions or retreats, he excludes you from impromptu get-togethers or
activities during free time.
Cuts you out of the loop
At his worst, a passive-aggressive bully keeps
you in the dark about new strategies, projects and clients, perhaps by
excluding you from office communication (email, meetings, informal
conversations, lunches). He effectively exiles you from his department,
possibly resulting in your termination.
Through methods like these, passive-aggressive behavior represents one of the most diabolical forms of workplace bullying.12. Pretends to care
A workplace bully can be particularly
dangerous when he is pretending to care about you and others in the
company. Most people are taken in by his displays of enthusiasm and
affection, never considering that he is concealing a shrewd,
self-serving nature. The bully exploits this naivete to his advantage.
Despite the caring exterior, his underlying goal is to control you.
He attempts to manipulate you through “caring” statements like these:
“I’m doing this for your own good.”
“I only want what’s best for your career.”
“I don’t know why others think you’re incompetent; I like you.”
“You know I respect you, but you have lost the respect of others.”
“I know you’re smart, but when you did that, people looked at you as foolish.”
“I don’t care if everyone else thinks you’re incompetent; I believe in you.”
Here are a few ways a bully attacks you under the guise of pretending to care:Undermining you in front of others
A bully claims to be your best friend in the
company, but undermines you at meetings or in conversations with others.
he tells others he wants you to succeed, but your “lack of maturity” is
holding you back. He stereotypes your personality type or suggests you
have emotional problems, and then acts very concerned for your
well-being.
Through these tactics, he is trying to gently persuade everyone that
he is a true, caring leader, while you are inconsistent and unstable. He
may even report that during a performance review, you became angry and
denied you have serious problems--yet another sign of your emotional
instability.Belittling you in a “friendly” manner
A favorite technique of a skilled bully is to
belittle you while pretending it is camaraderie, thus concealing his
destructive behaviors under an exterior of charm and friendliness. For
example, he tells a story about your serious but somewhat humorous
mistake (an exaggeration or misinterpretation), perhaps adding that he
rescued the situation, then treats it as good-natured kidding.
If you confront him with his belittling comments, he tells you to
“lighten up”, that he didn’t mean any harm. Many healthy relationships
contain a large quantity of good-natured teasing, of course, but a bully
intentionally crosses the line into damaging personal attacks. And he
does all this while pretending to care about you.Overly harsh criticism
A bully’s criticisms (euphemistically called
“friendly advice”) are rarely constructive. Lacking empathy, he doesn’t
recognize the challenges you face, particularly when his behavior
impedes you from successfully performing your job. He never suggests
real-world solutions to your daily problems. Also, he doesn’t balance
his criticism with an acknowledgment of your skills, hard work and value
to the company.
At times, he tries to overwhelm you with criticism, accumulating a
long list and unloading on you all at once. And any compliments he gives
you are insincere and are usually followed by inappropriate and unfair
criticism.Outright slander
at his most treacherous, a bully offers to
give you helpful feedback, then makes a malicious statement about you.
In effect, he treats nasty gossip as legitimate for the purpose of
hurting you. Although he claims that his frankness is for your own good,
his intention is to shock you into changing your behavior to meet his
demands. He doesn’t care if he destroys your self-confidence in the
process.
It only seems hopeless
Now that you have studied all of the bullying
traits--obvious, visible, hidden--you are in a position to fully
diagnosis your situation.
Perhaps by now you have concluded that you are dealing with one or
more highly skilled, well-entrenched bullies. With so many weapons
available to them, it may seem hopeless to try to fight back.But even if you’re certain that the patients will always be in charge of the mental hospital that you tactfully refer to as “work,” don’t give up hope (unless, of course, the bully is the owner, or the owner’s son). There is always the possibility that your honesty, integrity and common sense approach to your job will one day be recognized by someone powerful who isn’t under the spell of a charismatic bully. (But are you sure it’s worth the wait?)
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