Thursday, September 19, 2013

It's Still Me! August 2013

                                               The Grumbly Stone Face Relaxes.
It's the end of August and my grumbly stone face is starting to retreat, just a little!
I look out the window every morning and see the hills, I feel that I want to run to the hills, run far, far away.
I want to float away in the clouds as they wrap themselve around me and keep me tight and safe.
When I think back to starting this blob/blog last year on the 4th of July, Independence Day, I thought; This is My World; Hurrah! Celebrations! Glad to be Alive!
Now; it's totally opposite.
Am I glad to be here!...........At one point I was very happy,........ honestly.
This blog was supposed to have all my feelings, my thoughts, my memories, my diary.
This was supposed to be my way of getting over where I was, a healing for me.
What happened.........................?
I stopped the blog last year on Friday 26th of October 2012, by this time there was stress in my life again. When people tell you what brought you down, the main problem is; family and work.
This is the two main things that bring us all down.
About Me!..........I recieved them both.
After I fought where I was trapped, locked inside my body, I was gobsmacked that it came around again.
This time, it was from my family.
It had got to the situation that I was falling down the bottomless gully, there was no end, a continuous dark deep downward black gully calling for me.
Up until now, I have fought to come back again, it can be so tiring.
I have been told from the doctor that I'm now Anxious & Depressed from my family.
He said:- "You need to rest!"
So I do.
We should all know and learn what stress does to our bodies, it's not an easy thing to push away.
Even being gossiped about, can bring stress when you find out what people say about you.
Stress comes in different disguises, believe me.

There is a word that we all use in this world and it's "STRESS", it's a teeny weeny word.
People use this word willy nilly, a regular part of peoples conversations, but they possibly haven't realised what is around the corner with this word, and what it does to them.
The stress that I had, put me on a pinnacle, life or death, as simple as that!
A Spade is a spade! Matter of facts! Black is black! and White is white!
I chose to go for the most successful point of my pinnacle and I came back from the highest point of the highest mountain; and Here I Am!
The saddest and cruellist thing that has happened to me, in being a survivor; is the mental damage that I have to bear across my shoulders ever minute of every day but I still smile to hide all the sadness.
When you think that fighting for survival, the word STRESS dissappears, but unfortunately NO!
I shall use the word pawn now.
Pawn is a chess piece of the smallest size and value.
Pawn is also a person  used by other people for their own purposes.
When people knew that I was becoming alive again, and after my humungous trauma that I went through, people started to add STRESS into my life again.
Maybe a lot of people cannot gather what I have gone through and why this happened to me.
Apparently, I'm a physcho and been an alcoholic for a long, long time and live off of False Memories?
I do hope that my friends and colleagues on Facebook know ME, I'm Pauline Quinn, the level headed person who likes a beer out with friends and colleages. Not a mad woman with a vodka shot in my hand.
I do not hide behind anyone, for that I'm sure.
                                                           I'M STILL ME!

After my sickness, why has life changed so much to everyone else! I'm a stronger me! I'm still me!
They never suffered as I suffered, but through the strongness, I fought to walk and talk again. I'm still me!
It may have pulled at their hearts and made them cry; but when did all the bitterness arrive. I'm still me!
I've had to move on and to ignore all the darkness that stilll dangles from family and friends but I'm still me!
                                                        I'M STILL ME!

I forced myself to walk into town again, I think that I'm doing the right thing.
I get up at 8am and it takes me quite a few hours just to get washed and ready for the day, a quarter of the day dissappears every morning. Bummer Eh!
I hit the usual places to say Hi to my new life and do my volunteering again. My feet and legs just started to pinch me with a heavy ache. I went to ramble and I was the last person to catch up with them all.
My writing group was cancelled, that's like my life just now.............CANCELLED! 
I was going to get a bus to Killamarsh as Davids family were coming up for the weekend and I was invited.
I made my way into town then I saw:-THE STREET THEATRE
I got drawn into the sight and brought out the camera, I clicked a lot!
As I took one picture, then they did something else, so I clicked, and clicked and clicked and clicked.
I put the camera on the railing and clicked with my fingers in control as I enjoyed watching the Theatre.
This is a good silent story for you all.
I thoroughly enjoyed the entertaiment.

CIRCLE OF TWO --- bambolina and dodo 
Preparations! Warming up!
Preparing for the Street Theatre


Firstly he looked for the gum?

Next job; put the arms into sleeves!

Now the show!

Who's in charge? Eh! Pheww!

I'll just tidy up for the audience arriving.
Who's in charge!!!
The wee one is the big one I'm sure!
What happened here!!!
Da, de, da........



Let me say it to you again! Phewwwwwww!


Has he listened and learned?

Still confused?


This is what I like to do.........Point my finger like Pauline Quinn!

How many times do I have to tell you dodo!!!

Gov'nr thought it was a bouncy pad..........

What time is it!

Going for Butterflies OK !
The wee man decides to go and get some butterflies.
He pleads with him.......
"C'mon Guv'nr !"

I said 3 times!

Ok, I'll wait and help you.
Here I go again.

How much!
 We liked him 7 times over!
Oops, he's back!
 Then the Gov'nr arrived again.
Do you think I could do this!

I'm flying!
Take your time OK!

My hat's falling off with that gust of wind!


Now another trick!
Well done dodo!

I hope he's got strong arms to keep me flying.
I'll just sit here and watch the world fly past.

Oops! Here he goes again, what's next!

He's flat on his back, dear, dear. He's OK.
That was great dodo!

C'mon for a cuddle big man!

Oops! What's he up too...........!

He's gone now.......!

He was very tired now, but.......!

Put the Pedestle here! Ahhhh!

Ahhhh! bambolina!

Stretch your legs........

She had no movement like Pauline Quinn in 2011!

A real life Dolly

She doesn't talk either, just like Pauline Quinn!

Straighten up bambolina

Here goes!
I need to get her to stand up!.

I have to teach her all over again!

Woow, she's going to go!

Is she going to fall !

I need longer arms.

Nearly a gonner!

Just put her........

.......................Here! Pheww!

Ooh she's heavy, I'm tired!

Just let her sit.

dodo got his feather duster.

They stop her from falling down like Pauline Quinn.

He said she fell a lot before!

She's on a perfect spot to dance.

He dusted her down.

Checked her again.

What! You like her!
I'll have a wee sniff here......Ooh!
Would you like to dance bambolina...........
Under your oaksters Madame, if you please.


Going to give her a present.


Here she goes twirling, my little ballerina bambolina.

There she goes......

Twirling around.

dodo thinks bambolina wants a cuddle........

dodo tries to escape from cuddles!


bambolino says quietly.......Hi Pauline,......How are you!
Then dodo asks for a photographer?

The challenge now.

Och! Wasn't looking, doing my button!

do you want up here!

The photographer wanted in too.
What happened there! And why do I keep using exclamations!!!

Bambolina needs more oil for her joints.

A little bit here and there!

A little squirt on the joints.
Then dodo asked bambolina to dace with him.
bambolino pointed her toes and started to move.

She stretched her body to dance.

Oh NO!

dodo was trying to save bambolina.

Poor bambolina, she's broken like Pauline Quinn!!!

dodo tried so hard to manouve her back to life!

dodo hung onto bambolina then ...........

NO! She's about to go again...........

He manages to keep her up standing, then.........!

Here she goes again.......................Ahhhhhhhh!

bambolina said........I'm Off !

dodo ran to catch her as she was on her way to Pauline Quinn to say Hi.

Bambolina said to dodo, "Cuddle"

That was very funny at this moment; then......................

Bummer! Waist needs more oil!
How does bambolina get into these situations?

Where's her leg gone now?
The leg is lost ? I think!

Here I go again!

Where's that leg gone!
Here we go again.
Get ready to jump OK.

Voila, your flying bambolina............



bambolina, I can't see......
Use just hands!

OK bambolino!
We fell.
bambolina's leg is stuck?


She's up again, nothings holding her back.

Oops! Collapsed again, this is like Pauline Quinn's life.
Put arms down and legs pop up?

Try again......I think?

Well, she's halfway up!

Here is roses for you, may we dance!!!

I'll show you my dancing step, cha, cha, cha........!
She starts to straighten up.

dodo has courage.

Please may we dance ballerina bambolina!

She accepted!

Merci Monsieur.

And she started to do ballet.

Then bamolina started to walk.

I wonder if Pauline walks too!

bambolina loved her audience.

bambolina threw down her roses.......What!!!

dodo cried, did she trip me up!!!


bambolina ran to the photographer.

dodo managed to get up and said "You can't have him!"

dodo split them, bambolina walked away.

She ran around the stage......

I love you, she said to her Darcy!
dodo picked her up and took her away?

What to do?

I'll put her away again.

dodo stood and thought!

He put bambolina back on the pedestal............

He went away and cried.

He thought......

.............and thought...........

wait a minute........!

bambolina and dodo curtsey to the audience.

Thankyou All !

Everyone gathered on the stage.

The audience filled their hats with the biggest smiles.

bambolina, dodo and the Guv'nr had bigger smiles too !

What a great afternoons entertainment.
Watching this made me think very, very hard.
In reality, it made me think of ME!
bambolina was up then down, up, down, up, down.
Thats like my life just now, I fought to stay here, then I've been bombarded by stress from my family again.
Up, Down, Up, Down, Up, Down.......................!

Pauline Quinn

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