Saturday, September 21, 2013

Stress and Shame !

After watching the Street Theatre, with Bambolina and Dodo, I went home; well "home" is where I lived before this STRESS mess occured to me in Killamarsh.
I lived with Janiece and David in their 3 bedroom house. One room is the office, their own bedroom and a spare room for visitors.
I moved from the Ayrshire coast, I had a live-in position and worked at Turnberry Hotel and Golf Club.
Turnberry is the big Golf & Leisure area with the most beautiful old ornate hotel.
It was closing down in the winter as they were going to be doing work on the hotel over the winter months.
My friend Cristian Concari, asked me to move down and work in Sheffield, in the Mercure,where he works.
I rented Janiece & Davids spare bedroom, and in this room I shared it with my son, Robert Murray Love.
It was a very, very  tight situation for us all.
Before I carry on with my new adventure, of my new life.
I have to release all of the STRESS that my family have been building up inside of me for a long time, well since the 20th of July 2012.
I shan't hide anything here, that's what my blob is all about for me, to get over where I've been, N'est pas! On the last blog, I told you what it was that brought me down and almost seen me dissappear; six foot under. 6ft ! Died! Deed! Finished! Shut Up! End of the Show! A Gonner! Flummoxed! Expired! I could go on here................

(1) The STRESS was........possibly ?
      It could have been having to stay on at work, longer hours than expected?
      Now; My manager has just dissappeared?
      He's just dissappeared and no one knows where he is?

 (2) The STRESS was...... possibly ?
       It could have been sharing someone else's home? Janiece and David, sister and brother-in-law?
       Having to share the bedroom with my son?
       Having to put my purse under my pillow every night as money just dissappeared? Kids Eh!
       Having to pay for his taxis, buy him fags, give him tram money? This is what a mother does......GIVE!

There has been so many POSSIBILITIES, a thing that is possible, the state of being possible.
It can and has been a combination of both of the two things in my mind, I just turned up at the wrong time for my life, had I been born a few years later, I may have missed all this trauma in my life.................OR NOT!

It makes you think................................................

As I thought about the STRESS that had dissappeared, it started all over again with my family.
Why do families not like it, when they suddenly lose the control of what they thought that they had before?
That is a puzzler, I have thought about this for many, many months now, but it's time to shed it from my mind.

                                                                 WHY, WHY, WHY  !!!

As I thought that I had been progressing last year with this blob/blog, I started to omit, exclude, certain sections from my diary and letters into the blog.

                         THE REASON --- TOTAL EMBARASSMENT --- MY FAMILY   !!!

 I have been totally embarrased with my family, and I'll let you know how this happened.

A letter to all my family.
Read it on the blob from last year :-
On the 20th of July 2012; I was having a years Review Meeting, no one realised what happened that day,  I omitted this so I'll let you know now.
Most of my family and my son were turning up for my meeting at 3pm.
I wrote my letter, and got it photocopied then I gave everyone a copy of my letter as I was going to read it out. Which I did.
In my letter, I put down some of the sentances that I had  written in my Diary on the 16th & 17th of April 2012. They were all wibbly wobbly but I put them down for all my family to see just how much I had moved forward in my rehabilitation. That was about 12 weeks previously, a great big change.
You may think................
"I wonder how come Pauline has only put down her letter that day? or Nothing else? or What on earth happened that day.......... I wonder???"
You look at the days of before and after, I smile and take pictures, that was on the 19th & 21st July 2012.
I pushed myself forward and tried to forget what happened that day, but sorry folks.......I can't let this go just now, it's too important to me!
These tiny little things that my family have done towards me has played about with my mind, so I need to  get rid of it all from my mind. I can't just close a door and forget it, my brain is still very delicate, but now it's getting stronger. I must talk about it, and clear it from my mind through writing.
No one will possibly read this anyway, it's like cleaning my dirty laundry, to get rid of them from my mind.
The last two lines on my letter, which is on my blog, says :-
"So, I want everyone to go to their homes and works and enjoy their weekends. I can go back to my life. Woohoo thanks lord."
I pointed my finger to Janiece, and said........."See you on a Monday.....OK"
Then when I pointed my finger at Christine Burns, the eldest sister/sibling, I said :- "Call me to make an appointment at the weekend, I do have friends that I may want to see too!"
Oops! She opened her mouth, she is speaking on a high tone and I keep pointing my finger at her, it wasn't very nice, believe me!
I was escorted AWAY from MY REVIEW and sat in my room upstairs, sulking actually, while they all carried on with MY REVIEW MEETING.
Grumble, Grumble, Grumble.
I've found out that they ALL had a Pre-Meeting at the rehabilitation house without me knowing.
Maybe it was a knitting class they attended, knit one then purl one and cast off !
I still know nothing from the 20th of April 2012 that was said about me, I wonder what wishy, washy words that they shall all come out with now, I wonder when these words will appear or maybe things are getting pushed further down that great big gully, not to find out what was on other peoples mind and what they would all like to do with me or to me.
(Good ending there, Giggle!)

That was the first start to my second STRESS from last year, it has been a gradual pounding on top of me.
I have kept so much away from this blog, but I'm so anxious and depressed (it says on my medical record) having to keep this away from my blob/blog.
There's no holding me back now.
Possibly, people can learn about STRESS and learn about what it does to someone and even learn about realising that my family has been giving me the stress again in my life as I'm trying to get better but all they do is to kick me in the head again.
Possibly they feel that they have had a loss in their life, as they no longer have the CONTROL that they had before. When they had the control, they were the Kings & Queens of their world.
They lost the control as I was coming back.
This all started from my review; then there was letters, phone calls, message texts even via Facebook, this was a bombardment against me while my brain was crying to me that this shouldn't happen, but it did.
I've had some episodes of being distorted and had numbness down my arm and hand again, this could be the start of this broken brain happening to me again.
I wonder how they all feel if something was to happen again after what they have all done toward me, by the hand written and typed letters. A lot of them actually. Shudder!
All these letters and texts have been from;
Christine Burns; eldest sister, then;
Alan Quinn; another brother,
Monty Phillips or Charlotte Montgomery Phillips; sister; god knows that one.
Robert Murray Love; my only son
When it was my birthday last year, on the first of April;  April Fools Day 2012; all the family was there.
Apparently I wasn't aware of what was happening, my brain was very sick.
Janiece and David took me out for a Birthday Breakfast with Cristian and Salvatore my work friends, and then when the time was up with them I was taken back to the hospital, as the main part of the family had planned my birthday there.
Can I remember any of that, even now! answer is NO ! 
When I left the hospital, it was the 23rd of April, then I started to be bombarded with all the memories that flushed back to me, it may be possible that no one realised how quick and fast that everything was falling back into place. If I tried to explain, my speach had a big flaw in it.
I feel that no one really realised at just how far back they were behind me; they were stuck in the position from where I was.
My language was in a world of its own and I looked through my red world as I was going through the cloud system that no one knew about. The brain was one step ahead of anyone and everyone else.

One of the main points that I shall talk about is all the novels, well; very long letters, A4 pages....bloody heck, how many pages, they went on and on and on and on and on....... that they sent to me. 
The main topic was that Janiece and David are manipulating me and that they have been giving me False Memories too!
I actually giggled on these to begin with, then the brain started to think, why does my family not believe that I can think for myself.........How Dare!
Every time I thought about it my brain kept saying.........How Dare,... How Dare,.... How Dare Them!
I kept thinking, why don't they send me nice long letters!
Then I thought:-
Bloody heck, how the hell do they have nothing nice to say to me but just bitch constantly to me about Janiece and David! Bitch, Bitch, Bitch !
Do they have a Broken Brain too!
Does anyone know about this!
Maybe I should bring others into this to stop me from falling down again.
I fought too hard to get out and I shall not allow this to happen again.  NO WAY !

My youngest sister, Monty Phillips, bought me an I-Phone for my birthday, so she bought the phone and paid for any bills so she was in controll of the phone.
The Rehabilitation House in Bolsover was terrible for getting a phone connection, I usually stood in the vegetable spot in the backdoor garden. 
I was out in the veg spot and I started looking for Janiece's phone number, I wanted to talk to her..............
Well, What the.................?
Janiece's name never came up................?
I then tried to get in touch with Loraine Burgess.
I was going to ask her to give me Janiece's number and she dissappeared too!
As I stood in the vegetable spot, my feet were stuck and I couldn't move!!!
I couldn't understand what was happening to me, I thought, am I on this planet or where else must I be now. Was I dreaming?
My feet were well and truley stuck, I couldn't move!
I looked for Markham House phone number......................SHIT !
I spoke to the staff members and we went through the phone book on the I-Phone.
I told my Rehabilation Home staff about this.
My head went all over the place, I went dizzy, I thought that I was falling again, I started to cry.
Later, I wrote to Monty; here is a copy of what I wrote :-
5th August 15:11pm
I have left you a message at home and I tried the 2 mobiles, 
can you tell me why you changed the names on my phone.
Why is Janiece the Fat Controller.
Why is Loraine the Nasty Bitch.
Why is Markham House the Wet Lettuce.
The house is not happy at the changes that you have done.
Loraine Burgess is not happy.
Dave and Anne Marshall is not very happy.
Why can't you behave yourself.
Why are you telling everyone that I have a limited memory???
There is more that I know to tell you.
I can't be arsed with it anymore. Goodbye.
Her Reply:-
5th August 15:49pm
I haven't made any changes.
I can't be arsed with this either.
Kindly give my phone & all it's accessories to the staff at Markham House.
I'll get it collected.
I think it would be best that all communication with you go through Markham House.
I'm about to wipe your phone and cancel the contract for it.
What a great 4 month Birthday present. Eh!

Still doing my washing and hanging it out to dry.
As I've been writing my story, I found out that my nickname is Physcho, pretty good for me Eh!
I went through some of the letters for some of the language that is there, one of them was:-
"You're not my favourite person.
I think you're a bitch and I'm wary of you
as I am a tangle of rattlesnakes."
Pretty good lines that I've recieved there, must use some of them in my short stories actually.

On Tuesday 26th of February 2013, I woke up at 05:30am.
I was disorientated.
I had numbness in the left finger ends.
I had tightness in the skin on my right leg.
I couldn't get back into bed and go to sleep.
I stayed up and alert, just sat there, and worried.
I thought; is this what others are doing to me, MENTAL ABUSE !
Sue Gibbons arrived just after 8am and made an appointment at the Doctors.
I had sent her a text early when this was happening to me.
That woman just moved as fast as she could to get there to make sure that I was alright.
This was when the Doctor told me that I was Anxious and Depressed with my Family !
During last year, I found out then, that my son's own child was born, as I seen it via the picture on Facebook.
Was I told about it......NO !
I lived in the next village, but they managed to come from Dunoon, Merseyside and Leicester.
Maybe I must be a horror of a person to know?
I found out verbally via my Rehabilitation staff where I live, that I was now a grandmother.
No one else had told me; it's funny the things that you get through the internet these days.
On Tuesday the 25th of September 2012, I went to the hospital with my son to see his child.
That was my first and last sight of him.
The last text that is officially left on the phone is the 25th of September 2012, all other unpleasant text's just got up and walked away and dissappeared. That's a usuall thing to do just now with me. 10/10 to ALL.
This seams to be a popular game these days; 
I wrote down the last text that I recieved from my son before that dissappeared; which it did!
It was May the 6th at 10:40am.
(So my gran tells me that you say that you are afraid to phone me,
well you should be ashamed, it's taken you this long to be in touch
with your only child. Like I said to you on the 1st of March in the 
last text I sent you, all you have to do is pick up your phone and hit 
the green button and talk nice to me. It's as simple as that, really it is,
anyway you know my number the rest is up to you mother.)
Did I ever say that to my mother? ABSOLUTELY NOT !
ME! AFRAID! Now that is a laugh!
Ashamed; YES! Of my Family !

I had sent a text previously to the mother, Julie Chalmers, as I had a gift that I wanted to send for Boyd.
The reply above was my answer from my son.
I hadn't had any wonderful communications just the dreary pull you down stuff.
I have just deleted myself from all, it's the only way to move forward, but mentally, it has broken my heart instead of my brain, well a combination of the heart and the head.
I now have to move forward to get it all out of my system, it had been secretly hiding in every corner of my insides, every nook and cranny. 
I've set it FREE !
That was a good workout for myself.
Let's hope that I've let all that comfort eating go too!
I'm now a SIZE 18 !!!
A Whale, I'd call myself, I passionately huff and puff to do my shoe  laces.
I have now started my own life, I need no one anymore.
I spent too much time convincing myself and others that I was having a love affair with food again.
Hey, I knew exactly what Iwas doing. 
Do I want some cake or a biscuit....................................NO !
I'm getting there already, thank goodness.

Life is Exhilarating

When you have been in the lowest place, as a lot of us have been, it's great to be back.
I Love Life !



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