Monday, December 10, 2012

Tuesday 18th September

I woke up at 07:00am. I have been an early riser all my life, why did I not wake at 5am?  Lazy Pauline. Good morning everyone.
I got my coffee and toast and typed away all morning.
I had to catch myself up on my blob/blog. I just thought great, lazy days by the pool and just put on a few pictures and name them:-
Move legs and “DANCE” my “kinda” dancing.
Did that work out for me!! NO. There is no story written down to copy, it was all in my head for my blog. I had to work hard on my typing when I got back.
I’m basically back at work. :)

As I was getting on with my morning and I received a letter from NEUROCARE.
They posted me their Issue 2 of their booklet. I felt quite excited that they remembered about me.
Someone who thought about me was pretty good to me.


As I carry myself along this road, it can be very weary.
Relationships can either stay together or fall apart, fight all the way or just give up.
In my family we were 7 children. Yes 7, seven of us. Four girls and three boys.
We have all been through the up’s and the down’s in our lives.
Nothing is perfect.
Life is not perfect.
I do realise that some people just expect me to be “Perfect Pauline” again.
I can change, I have changed.
During my life I have spread and shared all my love with this family.
Did anyone ever care about me??? ME INSIDE!!!
I do realise that family came to see my sick body, what about me!!
My mum is 84 yrs old and has had health problems of her own during my sickness.
My dear mum has travelled from Dunoon in Scotland to Sheffield Hospital, England.
I can’t thank you enough mum for all the miles and all the sadness that you went through for me. I THANK YOU SO MUCH MUM. XXX
Life can be very sad to me at times.
I was the 5th born child into this family. I loved the chaos and in’s and out’s of everyone in the house. It was a very noisy household, I loved it.
When I was a child in Hamilton, I started the primary school. My teacher was a very beautiful girl called Sarah Lees, I’m pretty sure that’s her name without checking any records. I eventually babysat for her later in life, we all moved into new big WIMPY HOUSE in the same estate. By this time Brian was away from home and living in Glasgow, he was a photographer with BILL SALKELD. The second brother Alan had moved away and he was in Merseyside. Alan was also a LABOUR UNION MAN.
My dad’s hair fascinated me as a child. My dad still had two bits missing at the front of his head, (that was his baldy era). My dad still had a full coverage of hair with length. Did he go baldy! NO. Well done dad.
Earlier in life I used to take the footstool to the back of my dads chair, I combed his hair and picked at his dandruff. Every little inch was picked by me and my little fingers, I was so happy and my dad liked it too.
I was my dad’s special little girl.
Life can be quite sad these days.
My mum and my dad separated years ago so we all got on with our lives.
Mum was mum and dad was dad.


I’m still here, hey it’s Pauline!
My dad is living in the Merseyside with his girlfriend.
Did my dad visit me in hospital! No.
DAD, I have heard that you have health problems too, I feel for you too with all my heart, but that’s the place where I fought for my life.
Dad, I thank you for my two cards but a kiss and a cuddle and a smile would have meant millions to me
Some things just hurt me so sadly.
I can bear the fact that my father is in Merseyside with his girlfriend.
That is just life!
The saddest thing to me is that my father never even came to see me in the hospital.
That would have given me care, love, warmth and happiness.
All I can say was that a card was not enough from my dad.
I have fought 4 times for my life, but I only got two cards from my dad. :(
I received the first card from my dad when I moved into the Osbourne home after I fought through the hospital surgeries. TRAGIC.
I thought that I was his special little girl
My life is full of sadness just now :(
I have always wondered why my dad never had the courage to see me on my sad bed.
My illness bed. I thought that not having my legs and my voice was an awful prison for me to be stuck in. I can’t imagine how his smile would have broken all my tubes.
I was about 8 yrs old for the head dandruff.
How come that connection is a big deal for everyone now.
I couldn’t walk, talk or eat in the beginning, I could at least read his card.
No words were needed.
I still have my dad’s two cards and I love them with all my heart. :)
It was such a shame that my belated birthday card arrived after my birthday.
Was I still my dad’s special little girl?
For me this has been so sad, did my dad carry on loving me!!
That is just like my life.
Some people do have very sharp tongues.
I feel so sorry for other peoples words, they can be quite cruel.


Dear Mr Patel,
I have gone through 4 surgeries with your expertise on this beautiful brain. I truly can’t thank you enough for ME.
You have brought me back from my near death to my life, yes, 4 times.
I honour you so much for keeping me, but I do the hard work for myself.


I needed to talk to someone and that person was EMMA DOUGLAS. She works in the Charity for Neurocare and I just wanted to say thanks for my issue 2 booklet.
I spoke to GRACE ENRIGHT at the charity. Emma was off today. I know I will catch her soon for a wee chat. It was a good wee read. I enjoyed the profile and story of Colin


I seen Chris Moyles on the TV, he’s now performing on the stage instead of working on the radio. What have I missed out of in “MY YEAR OFF”. 

One of the guys asked me to go with him to make my profile for their records.
MY words were :-


Janiece arrived early for a coffee before we went to the doctors. We were talking about messages for me so I will just pass this back.


Well Vince what can I say to you. I thank you so much for my Hi Sweetie, you have given me the biggest grin on my saddest heart. Not to worry, I will get there.
“Hey Vince, I’m sending some love to you, hey, you do deserve it. XXX” :)

The time was creeping up to the 15:50pm.
I had to go to the Doctors for a Ladies Private Place.
I had a bubble feeling on the down below part of me.
Why do I have one thing after another thing.  
After what I have been through. BLAST.
I suppose all these ailments WANT to be a part of me.
I suppose I am special now with my TITANIUM. p,s,  how much did it cost. Eh???
I’m so nosey these days, I cross every “T” and dot every “i”
The Doctor had me on the table and had a good little look and jiggled down below.
My heart was jumping all over the place.
“AH” said the Doctor to me. I crossed myself and prayed at her reply.
She said I had a Genitourinary Prolapse.
I didn’t really know what was going on here, I was getting confused.
The Doctor said that I had 4 options :-
  1. Just ignore it and see what happens with it?
  2. Have a jiggely thing in the Doctors surgery?
  3. Do exercise “NOW”
  4. Go to the Hospital for Surgery?
“Jeez oh”. I nearly crapped my knickers at the Hospital Surgery advice.
Please, why did you have to say that to me!!!!
After the 4 Surgeries before, would I really want to go to Hospital. “NO.”
I felt a little woozy after the knowledge of what I was going through know.
One minute I think life is great and then it’s SHITE.
I’m feeling sorry for myself just now.
I’m the only person who can make me better.
The only hospital that I feel comfortable in is Sheffield Hospital.
I know that Mr Patel is there at work, toiling away to keep us all there, here, now.


I found my mums phone number about 7ish in the evening. I have got papers here, there, and everywhere. I was trying to organise all my papers and I felt that I wanted to speak to my mummy. I wanted to tell her about my new little injury and my PAIN. YES – MY PAIN. My mum had already spoke to Robert on the phone again today.
My mum said to me, that Robert was going to phone me back again today.
I waited and waited all day long but I assumed there is a lot to do at the hospital with Julie and wee Boyd. I knew there was lots of baby things to organise.
Babies may be small and sleep a lot and look gorgeous, but my goodness they use up so much energy from everyone else......but no call from Robert:(


She was recalling to me about the people who love me during my illness.
My mum was praising my sisters Christine and Angela (Monty) and  my brothers Alan and Stephen. I said to her, that was only four children out of seven children? Poor Janiece & Brian never even got a place there. Eh!!
Stephen never even visited me in hospital!! Crikey, I only spoke to Stephen on the phone when I was christening the pig  at the farm by the new name of BRIAN!!! There was just piggy sounds from us with Brians new language. Hoink, hoink.
My mum told me that in February 2012, that I was such a lovely girl. Poor me!!
I said my first word was on the 18th of February. Did I make any sense then!!
Poor me again!! Could anyone understand my verbal language. Even I couldn’t understand the smallest line of speech from me.
Hey this is me understanding myself? It was hard to say “Hello” and “How are You”
My mum said that I was not a nice girl now.
In 4 months I have gone from nice girl to nasty girl?
I sincerely wonder who has a sharp tongue now. Is it really me!!! I don’t think so.
Sometimes I wonder how my mum mentions Stephen in this GALA parade of my fans in the illness parade. Stephen never even visited me in hospital? I’m totally in shock at that one!!!! I shall repeat myself again. I only spoke to him the other month for a chat when we were talking about the farm animals and I related to my brother Brians noise. We did laugh it was good laugh. Brian was my new pig’s name, bless him. Well the pig was nameless and then “BRIAN” VOI’LA.
My head is full of so many up’s and down’s these days.

Am I here or there or anywhere?
Does my brain know the answers to all these questions.
I feel like I can’t be bothered anymore.
One minute and my brain is as happy as a brand new day,
The next day my brain is so confused, with all these new memories.
It’s from the first second of the first minute of the first hour, daily.
My brain is being flooded with so many atoms all at the same time in my head.
I can’t control what does and does not enter my brain, it’s a jigsaw to me.
My brain is working faster than my head, I feel like I’m being gobbled up.
My brain is like a washing machine, my brain is like my washing machine.
I organise all the good and sad memories in my brain.
I have two lists in my head….. “GOOD”………and ……….“BAD”……….lists
I have to focus and bring in all my washing from my lines in my head.
My head usually mixes up just about everything for me in my chaotic life
Working on my brain to me is just like doing my washing.
It’s very therapeutic for my brain.
I know more about my brain than most educated people, well not Mr Patel anyway.
Not just know.
This time I will let you away with that one :)
Brain training is so educational for me.
I need to know, date, time, number, everything.
I’m like a computer looking for data all the time.
I love information, information, information.
Maybe I should be a physician, lawyer, journalist, big brainy person at UNI!!

Hmmmmmm……..Let me think

I shall have a good nights sleep.
I shall wander through my brain and look at this and that.


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